Thursday, April 01, 2010

Top 3 Cuckolds of Cinema

Since jamming to Courtney Love a couple of weeks ago at SXSW, I've been on a 90s binge. The moshing and crowd-surfing I witnessed that night have pushed me to nostalgia's edge. Now, as I watch Baz Luhrmann's "Romeo and Juliet" I feel that this film, along with my impending birthday out of my 20s, will surely connive to do me in.

Before that comes to pass, I need to confess that I was over the moon when Paul Rudd appeared on the screen. Not only did I forget that he was in this movie but I forgot about this "Clueless"-era, endearing version of Rudd that completely lacks any irony. Amazing.

Which brings me to the matter at hand. The top three cuckolds of cinema:

3. Colin Firth---Notable because he's actually been a cuckold twice: "The English Patient" and "Shakespeare in Love." It's poignant to think that Mr. Darcy, the man who single-handedly revived "Pride and Prejudice" and whose sex appeal spawned an industry of Prejudice fandom ("Bridget Jones' Diary"; "Lost in Austen", etc.), could ever be a cuckold. But he was. Twice. Which cuckold was the most pathetic? It's a tough call since we're comparing a dramatic film to a comedic one. But since at the heart of cuckoldry is another man, let's compare the competition (who are actually brothers)--Joseph and Ralph Fiennes. Obviously, there's no question. Though Joseph Fiennes has some sort of boy on the subway appeal, Ralph smolders. Even as a Nazi. Even as J.Lo's love interest. There is no diminishing his potency, therefore I grant the cuckold award to Firth in "The English Patient." Sorry it ended so badly for you in the desert.

2. Daniel Day-Lewis---Full disclosure, DDL is my favorite actor. He is a true character chameleon and married to "Abigail Weld" from "Wind," one of my favorite films of all time. And if you can handle it, DDL smolders even more than Ralph Fiennes. That's because DDL smolders even as a cripple.Yet he is on this list. Because even DDL has been cuckolded, as Helena Bonham-Carter's fiance in "A Room with a View." DDL is in this film for maybe 7 minutes, but he's a scene stealer even when we're supposed to be swooning over Julian Sands. What makes his performance more amazing is when you compare it to his work in "The Age of Innocence" released only two years before "ARV." Newland Archer was just the type of man you'd leave Cecil Vyse for. But in the end you're still with DDL.

1. Paul Rudd---As Dave Paris in "Romeo and Juliet" he was nice to the point of being obnoxious and perfect to the point of being dull. At the party he claps like a rabid monkey at the balloons and confetti, without a hint of irony. He deserves to be the cuckold in a way that neither Firth nor DDL ever inspired. And perhaps what makes this performance most poignant is that he abandoned Mr. Perfection for the string of dude flicks from the mid-00s. Gone was Mr. Immaculate Grooming. Hello Mr. Gross-Out, Stoner, Loser. Despite being the cuckold, Firth and DDL never flew off the handle to the other end of the spectrum like Rudd did. We've all seen his bare ass for crying out loud. And because of that, his portrayal of the cuckold to Leonardo Dicaprio's Romeo is the top-top-top.